In the morning I wake with the rising sun, its golden beams hitting the blinds and turning my palms into stripes of yellow and shadow. Silence lives in the room, and I can hear the hum of bliss sinking into my body. The morning is calm, chaos shakes at the thought of disturbing the pocket of air that the world holds for a few minutes. The morning feels new and fresh, and finally, things feel on the brink of becoming possible.
The mild scent of coffee coming from the kitchen settles a feeling of comfort within my chest, but instead I take a cup of tea, a thing that has provided me comfort on stormy days and soothed my soul as I sat on grass, staring up at the palm trees dancing to the background of the bright blue sky. My hopes and dreams have crumbled on days when doubt was my primary source of existence. Yet I found myself building a stronger body, capable of standing hard against the storm of my mind. There were days I realized that the sea was easier to float in than walk, and sadly I’ve walked most of my life as a novice swimmer in that same sea.
There is hope, and it feels good for the first time in a long time. Walking around with something warm in the pit of my stomach, and the feeling only tends to grow. I wish to share with the world the things that make me smile, but a small voice tells me to keep it in, to let the feeling sink into my bones before I can release it. It only recently dawned on me that the people I admired most as a child were those who were unapologetically themselves, and all I thought was, “I want to be like them”, without realizing that I must be myself to the fullest extent, and never say that I want to be like anyone but the person I am, and the person I can be.
I don’t know what it means when I feel lighter, as if there were weights on my feet and hands tying me to the ground except now they’ve fallen. I can’t help but think, “Maybe life is giving me a bit of a break before a storm.” Then I recall the times it happened before, so instead of enjoying the way I can breathe so freely, I sit in contemplation of all the things that could go wrong. Only a few minutes after that, I can feel my insides collapsing until I can no longer stand without my knees giving out to the weight of my body. I’ve been told it’s not connected, that having a moment of bliss doesn’t mean that the next moment will fill to the top with pain and sorrow. It’s only human to feel afraid, but there is only so much fear that can be felt before it becomes poison.
It’s not easy living in a world of half truth, and if I think about it long enough, my heart begins to beat as if I’ve run a marathon, and then I can’t help but hope that one day it will be better, after all, that’s the whole point anyway, right?
If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, you’ll never enjoy the sunhine. -Morris L. West